Saradactyl.com

Brilliantly... er, hopelessly flawed?

I spent some time yesterday reading through some of Nattie's blog archives. If it wasn't in a typed format, I could almost picture that she had drawn little doodles about her personality types, sketched pictures of herself... of her kids; shared bits and pieces of thoughts and ideas that would be sort of haphazardly inked on graph paper - no real rhyme or reason. Each individual piece seeming somewhat insignificant and awkward. But the whole? Wow. The Whole. The slow unfolding of each thought... the painful vulnerability of the account of the events of her life... the grace that links them all together. With her gone, it is a breathtaking tapestry that I can log-on to and study in fine detail any time I want to. A small piece of her finite-being left to tide us over until we can hang out together in Glory.

Anyway. Going through those archives prompted me to go through mine. Why didn't y'all tell me I'm such a whiny-ass punk? Ohhhh sure, there are moments every now and then when I have a glimmer of clarity, and what I WANT to say is actually communicated without my words getting in the way. I love it when that happens.

Lately though, I've felt this mounting pressure to only write things "worth" writing about, and only sharing those brief insights of brilliantly flawed revelations. That's why I haven't been around much lately, because I haven't had any brief (or otherwise) insights of brilliantly flawed revelations. I have been quick (and possibly wrong?) to believe it wasn't worth my time (or yours) to tell you about how I painted my fingernails black this week, and it's made me feel all cool and confident. Or that I ran into this guy today that I've been secretly harboring a crush for and he seems to be content with just knowing my name. Or how my Godson will be celebrating his 1 year anniversary of life on this planet on the  28th, and I couldn't be prouder of him or his Mama. Or how I typically wear a size 8 shoe, and the 7 1/2's that I'm wearing are WAY too big, but that I think it's not really that my feet have become smaller - rather it's a CONSPIRACY mounted by the shoe companies around the world to label bigger shoes with smaller sizes so as to TRICK consumers into a false sense of CONFIDENCE so as to boost sales, and rob us all blind. BLIND!

Ah, the minutia. See what you've been missing out on? I've weighed too heavily my choice of "To blog, or not to blog?" Over-thinking has always been my biggest foe, and I feel that it has done me a disservice by tricking me into believing that the MAJOR things are some how more important than the minors. Truth is, my life consists of a whole BUNCH of minors, and maybe one day I'll look back and see that it was all culminating into something MAJOR.

*shrugs* Who knows?

Basically what I'm trying to say is: "Dear Sara, yes - you're flawed. HOPELESSLY so. Embrace it. Give it milk and cookies and send it off to bed. It IS actually acceptable for you to write about the small stuff. Ok? So get over yourself."

The End.

Ode to Fried Candy Bar

When first I saw you
on the cool of an October eve'
my lips began to tremble;
dropping powdered sugar on my sleeve.

So ordinary you looked as you sat there
impaled upon your stick of wood
still glistening with hot oil;
others lustfully stared where they stood.

A crispy skin of batter did coat
your silky flowing caramel;
willowy fingers intertwined
with naughty nougat far from marginal.

Come away with me!
Dance this waltz upon my tongue!
For we shan't meet again 'til the
green leaf turns and the moon dawns young.

Thursday Thirteen

1. I may explode. Today we were shown how much we were appreciated as employees by way of hamburgers, hot dogs, and marble slab ice cream. *puffs out cheeks* Yowza. FULL! I was also given a windproof umbrella that is nearly as tall as I am. SCORE.
2. Because I'm an exceptionally clever girl, I decided to hold off on reading the Harry Potter series until ALL the books had been released. Patiently waiting, so that I could be instantly gratified. I know, I know - but it made PERFECT sense in my convoluted little brain. I just finished Year 2.
3. BATTLE OF THE BANDS is oooooon tomorrow night at Ziggy's. For any of you locals (or semi-locals) who want to come out - the show starts at 8:00pm - tickets are $7.00. I'll be there to support my friend's band, Adonaii. They're an experimental jazz fusion band (all instrumental) and they are absolutely AMAZING!!!!!!!
4. My friends Bekah & Melysa have both agreed to trash the dress!!!!!!! I'm so excited. We'll aim to do the photo shoot in the fall, with all the cool leaves and foliage and whatnot. That will also give me time to get REALLY comfortable/familiar with my camera. [whispers: exciting]
5. I'm going to the beach in October.
6. MY MINI MOO CARDS CAME!!!! They're totally awesome. I'll take pictures and put them up later. And for those of you who actually see me on a regular basis, I'll be giving you one. I know, just the THOUGHT of it makes you all warm and gooey on the inside, huh?
7. I have a media/texting package on my cell, now. So - if anyone is into texting someone who is extremely slow with her thumbs and has a very difficult time understanding why people would rather hunt-and-peck out a message than actually... oh, I don't know - PICK UP THE PHONE... then just lemme know. GAME. ON.
8. I brought a lunch bag to work with me on Tuesday - and I keep forgetting to take it home. My ice packs are now slimy, and I don't know WHAT is growing on the bottom of that Gladware container. Skeery.
9. My sisters are still in PA on a mission trip with their dance company. Last we heard, they made it safely there on Sunday night.. but we haven't heard from them since. No news is good news, but pray for their safety while they're there and that they're able to reach MANY for the Lord.
10. Game nights have been re-instituted at my house. Bobby, Cory, Mandie, and I play a board game every Wednesday night. It can get pretty cut-throat, too. Last night we played Scrabble. We ALL got spanked by Cory - but he likes to cheat... with his triple word scores and whatnot. *scowls* Next week, we might bring back Trivial Pursuit: Lord of the Rings Edition. I love having geeks for friends.
11. I. Love. My. Church. I just love when the church actually does what the Church is supposed to do. I don't think I shared this - but there was a group from church who wanted to serve the community by doing practical projects for those who needed it. My recently widowed grandmother was one of the people they served. They washed windows, raked, dug, pulled, trimmed, cut, and generally worked their butts off. It was such a blessing to her, and a total blessing to me. It's an amazing thing to be a part of something so much bigger than myself.
12. The Big Nasty from McAlister's makes me giggle.
13. Holy it's the 26th of July 2007, Batman. Where has this year gone?

Normalcy [and all that it entails]

It seems as though I've been wordless for a long time. The only updates I've made to my blog are those in which I have little to no obligation to really say anything. Memes... photo posts... Wordless Wednesdays, and the like. It reeks of wounded animal syndrome. You know, those times in your life where you hide in a secret place away from the world to nurse your wounds; only slinking out of hiding for food and drink.

I'm slowly cycling back to normalcy. I've wrestled with the loss, and have come to terms with what happened. Some things don't fix - and I'm okay with that. I find a lot of comfort in the knowledge that God is the antonym of me; that He cried, too; that He is big enough.

In the midst of all this turmoil, and decay - my senses have been... well, heightened. On Saturday I took a trip to visit my Mom. It was absolutely the most beautiful day it has been all summer. Even the harsh roar of diesel engines sounded like a sweet whisper of "O, the beauty of it all." Strands of hair, still damp from my morning shower, whipped around my face and clung to my lips and eyes. I met everyone at the Monroe Farmer's Market and plodded toward the vendors with a heart full of mileage and asphalt. There's just something about barreling down a highway with an outstretched arm - fingers lacing with those of the wind. It brings calm. It brings me closer to God.

Grief is a strange bedfellow. Recently, I've forgotten to shun his icy presence for missing his simple companionship. How can a thing which causes so much pain, become a reliable filter through which can be seen the reality of the circumstances?

In the words of David Crowder, it's a beautiful collision.

It's how things should be, colliding with how things really are.

It's the smallness of me, colliding with the bigness of God.

It's the joyful elation of true friendship, colliding with the sorrow of a loss too deep to mend. 

It's that moment in which you're laughing through your tears, and the sound of your heart splintering is muffled by the embrace of a love that will not let you go.