The thing is? I don't even know where to start hashing out all this relationship crap. Things were going pretty swimmingly about 2 weeks ago. You know, when I posted the picture of all of us hanging out that Saturday night? He even brought me flowers. Aw. How sweet. Blah blah blah.
The thing is? The CRUX of the matter, if you will? I want to be pursued.
I don't want to be the aggressor. I don't want to be the one always making the decisions, taking the initiative, making contact, planning things for us to do. I don't want to wait around all week for him to call me. I don't want to feel like the only reason he's calling me is birthed from - obligation. I don't want to be the one who has to keep conversations rolling, or be the only one who knows how to avoid those awkward pauses by asking the right questions. I KNOW he's backwards, and country, and simple, and that's what was endearing and cute about him ... at first. Now? I've stepped back. I'm looking at what we have. And I realize - this just ain't gonna work.
I want a man. I need someone who will take initiative... who will lead... whom I do not need to raise... who will PURSUE me.
Is that asking too much?
All that being said? I do not feel as though this courtship was a colossal failure. On the contrary, it was VERY successful! We got to know each other (well, I got to know him anyway - he never seemed too interested in finding out things about me.) without developing emotional attachments, and it all happened within the context of family and friends. Not every courtship has marriage as an end result - sometimes two people just aren't a match. Which is WHY it's so important (I believe) to avoid those emotional and physical entanglements that are so easily beset by the run-o-da-mill dating scene.
Beyond that - the entire experience has caused me to draw closer to God... to be more disciplined in my studies, in being organized, in keeping order in my room and living areas. I feel like I've grown a lot this past month. Even though I'm depressed and am still sort of grieving that this isn't going to work out - I'm a better person now than I was a month ago. And most importantly? I've grown closer to the Lord. That in itself is ... golden.
So. That's that.
Sara-girl....you need to wait for the Lord to send you a hottie! And....He will!
Posted by: Melissa | November 26, 2003 at 04:08 PM
I agree Sara with Melissa, God's got the perfect one all picked out for you, preparring him and all. Just think he's out there just waiting for you. Keep your beautiful chin up and fix your eyes honey bunch on the one who brings all good things into our lives..... btw I'm lovin what your doing with thee'ole paint, paper and water, keep at it.
Posted by: naomi | November 26, 2003 at 06:11 PM
It's good that you know what you're looking for and what is right.
Posted by: anna | November 26, 2003 at 09:14 PM
What an experience you have had/are having. I envy the way you are doing this, with the courtship. I know it still hurts when disappointments come though. I agree with the others. God will bring you what is meant for you, and it is good to know what you want. I would think that is part of the courtship process too, learning what you want. I'm praying for you sweetie, but just rest in God's timing. ;-D
Posted by: Stacey | November 27, 2003 at 07:24 AM
(((Sara-girl)))
WOW! I don't know about anyone else but i am PROUD of you. It takes guts to step back and say "No this is not what i want and i am not going to settle" That shows HUGE maturity and focus. ***Applause, applause, Applause** You ARE indeed growing up, girl, though you often state otherwise.
I know God has a really great man in store for you!
Posted by: Dana | November 28, 2003 at 01:15 PM